The Devil Drinks Beer

Just when I thought I was fresh out of stupid things...I had a liquid lunch.

So tasty at the time. I mean seriously, who doesn't love a beautiful cascading Kilkenny (yes I realize that it's Guiness that does the cascading...but Kilkenny still puts on a lovely show, doesn't it)?

The only thing I love more than a tasty Kilkenny is another.

The only thing I hate more than going back to work after such a lovely lunch is the boozy work that goes along with it.

Can't get anything done -- so I'll blog about it.

G-Ts.

The only smart thing about this whole escapade is that my boss is also half-cut, and just came into my office to inquire as to my ability to concentrate after our tasty Kilkenny-filled luncheon. I lied. Pretended like I was totally getting work done. May have made him feel bad. Or he saw right through me. Either way, I only have to get through another hour before we head off to a meeting (at which there will be coctails -- gawd I love Fridays!).

I'm a donkey.

If Chef Ramsay were here, he would agree. He would also call me either stupid, or a diabolical genious. Not that I'm particularly evil...but if the devil were here, I think he'd have enjoyed a beer or two with us at lunch.

Again, G-Ts.

Boys should wash their hands too.

I'm still trying to recover from a terrible case of the heebie-jeebies.

I'm walking into the bathroom and the cleaning lady is walking out. She's using a paper towel to hold the door handle. Not a bad idea -- door handles are germ-ridden. But, I thought to myself, "self -- shouldn't the cleaning lady trust her own cleaning abilities?"..I let it go.

Then, as I'm washing my hands post-pee, another lady walks out, turns the tap on (and immediately off) without so much as splashing water on her germ-ridden hands. Of course she has to get out of the bathroom somehow, so she grabs the door handle with her piss-germ-covered hands. The cleaning lady must've known...

*Shudder* Thank gawd I still have some hand sanitizer at my desk.

People need to learn to be less stupid and less disgusting.

I'd make a better nose picker

My apologies for being absent all week. It's been a busy week at work, and one of two things happens when I'm busy:

(1) I don't do stupid things (I prefer to believe that this is the true statement).
(2) I'm oblivious to all of the stupid things that I do (this is the more likely answer).

I don't have any ridiculous stories about how I spilled food all over myself (believe it or not, I have gotten through the entire week unscathed), or how I tripped and fell face first up the stairs (that didn't happen this week)...instead, I have a story about how being busy makes me do stupid things without even trying.

Take the NFL pool. I'm a notoriously bad picker at the best of times (if you ignore the first couple of weeks of last season when I was in my glory!)...but picking the Dolphins is not something that I will take the blame for.

How does a team expect to have a winning season with a guy like Culpepper tossing the ball around? I know he was good...but now? Maybe he'll make me eat my words...but somehow I doubt it.

What goes through that poor man's head when his old pal Randy isn't around? Something along the lines of..."Hmmm...who should I toss this ball to? I know we're winning, but I don't like to win. I'd rather make an ass of my new team and give up the game in the last 5 minutes. So what should I do here? Oh, I know. I'll pass to the freakin' Pineapple Express (for you non-footballers -- he's not on the same team). That'll surprise everyone."

Yeah. I was surprised alright. Stupid Dolphins. I don't know how you boys can love that team so much. They're just so easy to make fun of. Maybe I shouldn't blame Daunte. I mean he is currently ranked number one in the league for passing yards (hee hee...not many people to compete with when you're only up against Charlie Batch, mind you).

Maybe instead I'll blame it on bad coaching. Not in the "you didn't get the boys ready for the game" way...More in the, “throw the goddamn flag you idiot”. Run out onto the field. Jump up and down. Anything to get some attention! That was clearly not a touchdown. That’s sheer stupidity. He should come and write for my blog.

(Insert pregnant pause while we wait for The Mayor gather some steam and slam out an angry response!) ;)

Okay, enough picking on the Dolphins. It's my own fault for picking them this week. Or is it?

Actually no. I was too freakin' busy at work to get my picks in. So my stupidity was trying not to get fired...and it got me my first stinkin' loss of the season (that loss won't get lonely though...there'll be plenty more to join him shortly).

Man, I suck.

The Lady can't do Laundry

Have you ever left your clothes in the washing machine too long before putting them in the dryer?

Not so that they're wrinkled. I don't care about that (let's not kid ourselves -- I'm really lazy). But so that they emit a certain odor? Kind of a musty, mildewy, yet citrusy stench?

Yeah. I'm stupid.

Black dress pants. Hot day. Not an attractive smell. Can't leave, I have work to do.

There are absolutely no rocks to crawl under at the office. I should close my office door and hide under my desk. Will this day never end?

Ouch -- it's still morning. Is it too early for a "woe is me" drink?